Brawl Occurs in Student Art Gallery

Several students were reportedly injured in a brawl yesterday at the Student Art Gallery.

“At first it was kind of surreal, like watching a bar fight in a movie,” said sophomore Emily Huang. “Then before I knew it people were fighting all around me. It was really scary.”

The fight broke out in a Hall B, which is currently dedicated to paintings. Witnesses claim that at its peak more than a dozen people were involved in the brawl, including students from an art appreciation class. A number of people caught up in the fight suffered relatively minor scrapes and bruises, but no hospitalizations were reported.

“Of course we treat this very seriously. The safety of our students is paramount,” said university spokesman Cameron Mantey. “Our security officers are still investigating the cause of this fight and will be holding the instigators responsible.”

Witnesses who were interviewed differed on the cause of the fight, although many claimed to have only fought in self-defense. Parts of the Student Art Gallery are monitored by security cameras, but the exhibit area in question is not. Mantey said that a security camera upgrade was put on hold due to the most recent state budget crunch.

Although the fight dislodged two or three paintings, gallery curator Clyde Burum said none of the student works of art were damaged. All the paintings, including a popular addition called “Beautiful Smile” by Samantha Wilkes, will remain on display through the end of the semester.

Insect Swarm Leads to Student Death

Yesterday the residents of the Lester Hughes male dormitory grieved the tragic death of one of their own. Pablo Escobedo, a sophomore, died in the early morning hours yesterday, apparently the victim of killer bees. His body was discovered just outside the main entrance by junior Johnny Koepp, who had gotten up early to exercise.

“It was unreal. At first I didn’t recognize him ‘cause his whole body was puffed up and swollen, even his face. He didn’t look like Pablo at all,” Koepp later said.

According to Koepp and other witnesses, Escobedo’s exposed skin was covered with more than 100 stings.

University officials are searching the nearby campus area in search of the bee hive so it can be removed or destroyed. Dr. Lyle Canton, an entomology professor, is assisting in the search along with some of his more advanced students.

“Usually bees only attack when they are threatened. Poor Mr. Escobedo must have accidentally irritated them and been overwhelmed before he could reach help,” Dr. Canton said. “While we are doing everything we can to remove the threat from campus, if you have an insect sting allergy you should always carry an [epinephrine] pen to treat yourself until you can get to the hospital.”

Yesterday’s death marked the second insect attack this week. Friends claim Escobedo was also swarmed by hundreds of cockroaches. Although very disturbing, his friends say the inexplicable swarm was short-lived and left their friend no worse for wear.

Zombie Scare on Greek Row

A “zombie rampage” on Greek Row last night left at least one person injured and many more fearing for their safety. Although police are still investigating, witnesses agree that the Kappa party was interrupted with screams for help after someone disguised as a zombie shambled across the lawn and assaulted a bystander.

“I saw the guy coming, but I never thought he’d attack,” said freshman Lola Shipsman. “He was dressed up like a zombie, all pale and with blood on his face. I realized that girl and her boyfriend hadn’t noticed him yet. I just figured he was going to prank them. Then all of a sudden he like lunged at her and she screamed.”

The victim, whose name has not been released by police, was bitten by the “zombie” assailant before her boyfriend drove off the attacker. Other sources claim that the so-called “zombie attacker” later made assaults elsewhere nearby, but those claims have not yet bet confirmed.

The Pinebox Police Dept. have a suspect in custody but say that the investigation is “ongoing”.

Attorney Found Dead in Storage Unit

Police say a tip-off call yesterday led them to the LOCK-IT-UP storage facility, where they discovered Pinebox attorney Sarah Tinsley dead in a storage unit. Although a cause of death has not been released, the area is being treated as a crime scene and is still closed to the press.

Tinsley, 46, is unmarried and has no known next-of-kin. Through her law practice Tinsley Law, she offered both civil and criminal legal assistance. Tinsley Law is also credited with donations to several local fundraisers such as the Pinebox high school band boosters, Pinebox Historical Society,  Fall Fest, and [white supremist’s ball?].

In other “Pinebox Police-Blotter” news, the police are asking the public for information on the last known whereabouts of Jonathan Haswell, Monique Caverly, and Samantha Delarosa. The three individuals have disappeared and may be travelling together.

Wise Shepherd Cemetery Vandalized

Police are asking for help from the public in identifying the perpetrators of vandalism in the Wise Shepherd Cemetery on April 29th. Several graves in a 50’ area were desecrated and the remains removed.

“I know this isn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last, but it still shocks me every time someone gets it into their head to desecrate our graves,” said local historian Hector Ramirez. “I hope these bozos are caught and locked away. It’s just a crime that so much of damage can’t be undone.”

Police have identified some piles of material that they believe to be burned human remains, leading them to suspect that the vandals were motivated by some sort of pagan ritual. Police have also found several shoe prints and some undisclosed personal belongings that they hope will lead to a swift resolution.

Potential witnesses who were near Wise Shepherd at the time are asked to contact the Pinebox Police Department with any information about pedestrians or vehicles spotted in the area on the evening of the 29th and early morning of the 30th. Golan County Crimestoppers is offering a $500 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of those responsible for this crime.

Homeland Security Awards $2 Million Research Grant to Chemistry Dept.

The ETU Chemistry Department has been awarded a $2 million grant from the Department of Homeland Security. The research grant is being led by Organic Chemistry professor Dr. Jose Ramirez.

“This is a great opportunity for the university to contribute valuable research that may one day save lives,” said Dr. Ramirez.

The precise methods being studied by Dr. Ramirez’s team are secret, but the unclassified grant proposal suggests research into new methods of identifying and neutralizing toxic agents. Dr. XXXX indicated that at least some of the grant money would be used to upgrade equipment and safety apparatus in the main Organic Chemistry lab.

TABC Investigates Pizza Barn

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission is investigating the circumstances leading to last week’s Pizza Barn brawl that left several people injured. If the Pizza Barn is found negligent then the state could suspend their alcohol seller’s license.

“TABC rules are very clear. Retailers are responsible for the safety of their patrons and are required to take immediate steps to prevent violence anywhere alcohol is served,” said state TABC spokesman Ted Millwright. “We’re looking into the circumstances of this incident and whether or not Pizza Barn took appropriate measures.”

According to the TABC website, alcohol license holders are required to report any incident on the licensed premises where law enforcement or emergency medical services personnel respond to the premises of a permit or license OR a disturbance is created on the premises by a person who does any of the following: causes bodily injury to another person, threatens another person with a weapon, discharges a firearm, or destroys the licensee’s property.

According to witnesses, several bystanders were injured during the fight and were later treated by EMS medics who arrived on scene. Although the Pizza Barn sometimes hires off-duty law officers as security during football game weekends and other busy times, no officers were present the night of the brawl.